Lyn leaves the truth for Jonas to find.
Location: Wolves Berthings
Related Scenes: None
Scene Number: 556
April 13, 2235
I know you’re probably furious with me right now for not joining you on Libran, but I know you’ll forgive me when you learn why I didn’t. I joined up with a special long range recon unit, and I’m heading to Aquaria to look for survivors. I’m going to find your brother and sisters, Bubbles. It’s going to be dangerous -- really, really dangerous, and I knew if I told you, you’d try to come along. You’re my handsome radio man, not a recon scout. I love you but compared to my stealthiness, you sound like a herd of moose rampaging in the snow, and I want to know you’re safe.
I’m going to write you every day, but I’m not going to send these messages until I find them. When I can bring your family home to you, I’ll come back, I promise. I need to do this, because you held me together after my dad died. I need to know that the people we care about can be saved, because I am terrified of losing you to these metal monstrosities. If I bring them home, I’ll know hope is worth having.
April 15, 2235
It’s bitterly cold, Jonas. I’ve been out here for two days, and shelter has been limited. It’s not like spending a the night on Mount Thula and then coming home to the station for some hot coffee and a real bath. There’s no home here, not anymore, and the cities are too dangerous to try and shelter in.
I miss you so much. I miss the smell of your skin, the sound of your laugh, that wink you give me when you know you just did something I’ll want to punch you for. I miss feeling your heart beat under my cheek, and being blinded more by the brightness of your eyes, than the sun on the snow. I’m getting mushy out here by myself. Probably a bad sign.
I think I have a lead on your brother. There were rumors that a group of civilians made their way to an old AQ Militia bunker near Grimsey, and they might still be there. This could be that reason for hope I was looking for! I love you, and I can’t wait to bring your brother home to you! I’m a day out on foot, but that feels so much closer than it sounds.
April 17, 2235
The bunker was a loss. There were signs that people had been there, but they, and the food and weaponry that had been stored there were gone by the time I got there. It looks like they left quickly, there were some personal items left behind. I found an empty pack of gum, the kind you and your brother went through like shit through a goose.
There is no trail, no clues, nothing to tell me where they’ve gone. Orders were dropped that there might be another refugee group hiding inside the ruins of Akranes. Some of the descriptions match your sisters. Hope is still alive. Waiting on pick up for reinsertion outside the city.
I feel like a part of me is missing, out here in the cold and the desolation. I dream of you every night, and the emptiness of waking up to nothing and no one feels like I’ve died and this is my purgatory. I love you.
April 19, 2235
Akranes is like a hollowed-out husk. The only sounds are the wind screaming through the icy husks of empty buildings, and the awful sound of metal on metal when the Cylon patrols go by. It’s only been a few days into the occupation, but it is like an alien world I don’t recognize at all. You don’t realize how loud a city is, until there is nothing living in it, and the lack of human sounds is enough to make you insane.
I might be going crazy slowly, Jonas. I’ve been holed up in the basement of a bombed-out hospital for two days, timing the patrols and plotting my course to a grocery store in the heart of the city. That’s where my intel says the survivors might be. Makes sense, since Cylons don’t eat, they wouldn’t have bothered with a place like that outside of an initial sweep for humans.
Speaking of food, I’m having trouble eating. Everything tastes like ashes. It coats every surface, and it is something so wrong and awful but when I taste them I gag wondering if the ashes were things, or people. I wish I was with you, as long as you weren’t here, because no one should see their homeworld like this. No one. I have to move in the morning. Wish me luck, love.
April 20, 2235
The refugees in the grocery store were dead. All dead. The Cylons must have found them a day or two before I did, because they weren’t frozen solid yet. They executed them all, men, women, elderly, even the kids. I buried them, every last one, and gathered up their IDs, so their families can have some closure. Your sisters weren’t there, thank the gods. But if they didn’t get off this dead world before now, I am afraid they are somewhere, frozen in death, just like these poor people.
I’ve used up every last bit of intel I was able to find. I even risked eavesdropping near several Cylon patrols for any indication that they were tracking down the living. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed smaller and smaller, compressed by the weight of snow and ash and the ghosts of Aquaria. I’m starting to feel like a ghost myself.
I’ve lost the trail of your family. I am so sorry. They’re pulling us out tonight, because the entire planet is now considered a loss. I think my hope is dead Jonas. I failed. I buried two little girls that were your sisters’ ages, and I don’t think I can look you in the eye now, knowing they are probably dead too and not being able to hide that knowledge from you.
If I just go away, somewhere else, maybe, you can just stay mad at me for leaving, and you can get over it and move on and find happiness with someone who deserves you. And maybe you can still hope for your family to be alive somewhere.
I failed you. I am so sorry. I’m not going to send these letters. I can’t. You deserve better. I will always love you, Jonas. I will never forget you. I only hope you can forget me. Broken things need to be forgotten, and I am broken.
May 22, 2237
I’m sorry I left you alone.
I’m sorry I never told you what I was doing.
I’m sorry I didn’t think that maybe my leaving would be worse than my staying for you.
I’m sorry I ran away.
I’m sorry for being a coward.
I’m sorry for being so self-destructive and self-absorbed.
I’m sorry I lied to you the other night.
I love you. I have never stopped loving you. I haven’t been in a relationship since I left you, never even considered trying. No one else could be you. That woman you loved only existed because of who you inspired me to be. She has been pushed down, locked away, and lost in the darkness for two years, but she is still in there, somewhere. I just don’t know how to bring her back. This is not your obligation. I just realized that closure can’t be had with lies. That only lets ghosts linger.
What you do with this letter and the others is up to you. I don’t even know if you’ll read them, but I won’t interfere in your life. You have my promise of that. I just want you to be happy, Jonas. It’s all I ever wanted.