Addison meets with Kamran to get his Psychology Exam following captivity.
Location: Kamran's Office
Related Scenes: None
Scene Number: 247
Kamran is nearly always doing paperwork in what passes for his office on the Vanguard, a small room near Sickbay with just a table to serve for a desk and a few chairs. And that is what he is at now, flipping pages and entering neat letters into boxes.
Addison makes his way to the assigned office, yet another stop on his round trip appointments for the day that differ from interviews with some person about what he's seen to something else. This however is a good ol' Shrink visit; another one in this case as he's already dealt with Piconese evaluations. A knock comes on the door off of Sickbay, followed by a peeking in of his head. "Hello. Looking for the Head Doctor?"
"I'm Kamran Anders," the man at the desk replies with a small, closed-mouth smile. "We haven't met yet, but please come in. Have a seat if you like."
Addison nods, entering more fully and shutting the door behind him as he does. Making his way to the offered chair, he nods politely to Anders across the way. "Addison Walker. Sorry I'm a bit late, I had to hustle over after the last debriefing."
"I don't mind," Kamran says. "There's no one scheduled immediately after you. I know things can be tight on a ship. Do you know why you're here?"
"I'm assuming it's probably along the same lines as most of my other visits to Head Docs. To evaluate my mental fitness after a period of extended captivity in a POW, Work, Slave camp run by the Cylons." Addison quirks an eyebrow at Anders and keeps his smile on.
Kamran smiles in return, gently. "So it's all old-hat to you?" he asks. "Having to meet with people like me to explain your experience?"
"I wouldn't say old hat. But it's just what I figured it was about. I've started mentioning to some about wanting to get back put to active duty so it would stand to reason." Addison leans back in his chair some and looks across at Kamran, studying the man steadily.
Kamran nods a little. "That's my understanding," he agrees. "I'm told that you'll need clearance to return to combat. So I'm going to request that you be as honest with me as you can in this session. I know it may seem frustrating if you want to get back to combat as quickly as possible, and it might be tempting to tell me what you think I want to hear, but the truth is, I think, much more helpful in order to protect you above all, and also those you serve with. Make sense?"
"Absolutely," Addison affirms to Kamran, settling his hands into his lap and settling himself into the chair. "I think you'll find I don't really try to keep much back when asked directly."
"Great," Kamran replies. "So before I ask anything else, let me just ask you directly, do you feel like returning to combat is something you're ready for and something that will be safe for you? Or do you have doubts?"
"I wouldn't have put in the request if I was in doubt that I'd be capable of doing it." Addison responds levelly, fighting to look surprised at the question. "There will certainly be nerves and anxiety but that can only be overcome by getting back in to the cockpit."
Kamran nods faintly. "Now, can you tell me about your experience?" he requests softly.
Addison shrugs as he glances past Kamran as he recollects. "Shot down, bailed out over a forested area. Evaded Cylon patrols for about 40 or so days until I was captured. The camp was a work camp, manual labor such as mining and construction, assembly things like that. High risk work without any safety equipment. Little to no food and a sort of survive at the expense of others society." He chooses each sentence carefully, putting it out with thought.
"How many other people were there?" Kamran asks next, making a brief note or two.
"It fluctuated. What we realized was that the mortality rates in the camps were very high, so when one camp got too small it would be consolidated with other camps. Most of the time, I'd estimate around 200 or so but that number would change pretty regularly." Addison trails off then in thought. "I think they watched us, to see if anyone was forming connections with others and they'd remove them if they were. Keep us isolated and alone."
"Did you have any friends in the camp?" Kamran asks. "People you felt close to? Or did you realize that they were using those tactics?"
"I had a couple of friends. Two died during labor, another one during a riot. A woman that I was intimate with was moved to another camp; that was about the time I began to realize the tactics being used." Addison explains, trying ot keep it sounding a bit distant rather than direct.
"That must have been very upsetting," Kamran says. "How have you managed to cope with that?"
"With?" Addison asks toward Kamran, as he did specify a few things in there that might need coping with.
"The loss of these people in such a stressful environment," Kamran answers patiently.
"Oh. I mean, I suppose about the way most people would? Losing friends is part of life. I've lost friends before, relatives. There was anger, is anger, certainly. Directed at the Cylons. Frustration perhaps. There's that wonder if more could have been done to try to save them but if more was done, then I wouldn't be here either." Addison offers it quietly. "The word survivor's guilt has been thrown at me, I suppose I feel that some. That maybe I don't deserve to live anymore than those who died."
"I wouldn't say that most people necessarily take these things so calmly," Kamran replies. "Many people experience bad dreams or other intrusive thoughts or feelings in the aftermath of an experience like that. Have you had anything along those lines?"
"Some. Dreams, flashbacks I imagine. There's been a few times when I've needed to get away from people." Addison pauses then adds, "I cannot sleep on the bunks. I usually find a floor to sleep on, the bunks are too soft." He swallows then before his eyes lift, "I suspect it's easier for me because I have strong support on the ship. My twin sister is stationed here. It has helped."
"Now," Kamran says softly, "You mentioned earlier that you felt 'some' guilt, but you followed it up with the idea that you don't deserve to live more than those who died. Of course, ultimately you are the one alive. How do you feel about that?"
"I survived. I got lucky, I also fought hard to survive." Addison explains. "I don't know if there's anything more beyond that. I feel ... I feel lucky? Blessed? I don't know. I'm fortunate when other's aren't and I want to do what I can to help rectify that."
"And when exactly did you return?" Kamran wonders, making another note and then glancing up from his papers at Addison.
"It's been about 3 weeks now. I was found by a Recon of Wolves during a work site job. They moved in and we took advantage of the situation, got away with them. My sister insisted on bringing me back here which apparently the Colonel backed as well."
Kamran leans slightly against the back of his chair, nodding at this information. "Would you be willing to meet with me once in a while to continue talking about your progress? Sometimes feelings on this sort of matter develop over time."
Addison nods, "Yes, As needed of course." He looks at Kamran, settling himself a bit more in his chair. "There's no reason not to talk about the things that happen, that develop."
Kamran nods at that answer. "All right," he says. "I'm going to fill out your papers and you'll hear about the decision soon. I'm glad if you're willing to consider returning to see me. I think that would be a very good idea going forward." He smiles and sets his pen aside. "But that's all I need for now. Was there anything else you wanted to bring up with me today?"
Addison shakes his head, "Nope, that should do it for me. Thanks Doc." With that, he moves to rise.
Title=My Head is Just Alright.